ich ich ich

Monsters in my bones.

let me out of this itchy skin
two small lumps don't mean I have a heart
don't look to the shadow between my knees for comfort
there are razors
where my teeth once were

can't keep me still
but don't worry
I tire myself out real fast.
with playing, dancing, gin and boys

the hollow in my clavicle
is a pocket for lips
Venus fly trap
you're dead before you know it

I'm dead before I know it
didn't have a chance
of not choking in my blood
waves of it return

over
over over me
reminding me
a blessing
a curse

a week of weak
razors for teeth
I'll build my armor
with kisses
nonchalance

build up your walls
keep kisses out of
collarbones
everything will be alright

let me out let me out
off to where?
Doesn't matter
swells in sweaters
barely
significant

you stare anyway
eat your heart out
before I do.

Mornings

Would you treat me like a princess
if I didn't leave so early in the morning?
I didn't know I was that girl
until it happened.
I kissed you on the forehead before I slipped out
Did you know?
I did it almost every time.
Once I swear I saw the corner of your mouth curve.
God your lips are pretty.
And I was on fire all those times.
We weren't. Never were.
Once almost.
Never came close.
You never held the door from me.
It was easier for you to protect my heart.
No one else knew how.
I didn't ask you to do that.
Didn't know how to respond.
Why were your words so final?
Because they were best.
Maybe one day I'll thank you...

Wtf?

When I said five I meant at least.
there have been more than I have patience to count.
I don't have patience right now.
Just mono.
Not a patient.
Just Bottom. and could be everyone else.
Why the hell are we supposed to shave our legs again?
I still don't drink enough water.
My pants still don't fit right.
Because I'm gaining weight.
Shit.
That's not romantic.
Are you romantic?
Give me something to work with here.
Is it blasphemous to say goddamnit?
I like the way it sounds.
Is he still sitting home?
I'm not supposed to care.
I do.
Gin.
I didn't want to take them home with me,
why did I ask.
Cause I'm a cunt and a half.
It's late and wine served in plastic cups goes down easy.
Goes down easy.
Summer days.
These ones were hot.
Last year was sticky.
I didn't always want to be this way.
I just wanted to wear my hair in a french twist.

Time

I can still taste the residue of last night.
I took an extra hour from you Time.
I slipped my hands in your back pocket
when we were dancing last night.

Found an extra hour there
Crumpled up like an old receipt.
I figured you didn't need it as much as I do.
you'll get it back eventually
You never let me get away with anything

I may have taken an hour from you
but I know you've taken more from me
I don't talk about it much
I want you to like me
Be good to me Time. Won't you?

Don't make me wrinkle before I'm ready.
I want my skin to stay close to my bones
and not have to wear it as an oversized coat
even in the summer.

It was worth it for the dance though,
wasn't it?
My hand fit
in yours and the stars stood still
when we spun.

I'm worth keeping close Time.
if only for the way our feet
leave the ground when we touch.
You've taken so much from me Time.

But given even more.
I'll be a generous lover if you let me.
Will you let me
Keep this hour for awhile?
Maybe just til Spring?

You might start to miss it then.
And I might let you
slip your hands into my pockets then
to take it.
I might even wink when you do.

Only, let me keep it for now Time.
You've taken plenty from me.
Let me prove I was meant to have it.
I'll do my best not to let you down.

Home

went home for the weekend and the leaves were on fire.

driving north on 87 with mix cd's i got for birthday presents.

and the air was crisp like a potato chip and cool like vapor rub if you inhaled deep

we talked about God a little. about men alot. about what we wanted and what we settled for.

we stopped for jamaican food on the way. curry goat and rice and beans, an extra side of sweet plantains and two beef patties. the sun was shining warm on our grease smudged red table and we laughed and spilled water and made the old jamaican man with his kangol cap snap his newspaper and shake his head. we didn't mind. picked up our crumpled napkins and folded the waxy white bag over your half a patty that you couldn't finish.

the rest of the ride was me and my cd's. you were sleeping and i was watching the forest catch fire. yellow flames and bursts of red. at four o clock the light was lazy and golden and i was glad to be home because i wanted to curl up on the corner of the black couch where i knew the sun would still be warming.

i pulled up our driveway and turned the car off and when we got out i remembered that it's always colder up here. the air is always cleaner. and i felt tired and at home and you were excited to be there. i grabbed our bags, my dirty laundry, my school books, and let the house give you its own tour. speak for itself. you oohed and ahhed over my mom's interior design and the brownies she left out for us. i walked straight to the back of the house. it used to be my room, but that was three years ago. It was very much Lyndsay's now. Her pictures of our dog and the perfumes that lined her dresser that she never used and her big sneakers on the floor. Mom had made her make the bed.

She had four comforters just like I used to. It sounds crazy but it wasn't. The old log cabin is drafty and dad is about as thrifty as they come.

Four comforters were necessary.

She would be home in a few hours. I yelled to you that you could eat some brownies and watch tv or go for a walk if you wanted. You already were. I pulled back the blankets. the light blue one with clouds was at the bottom. it was mine from highschool.

No sheet.

I never used one either.

I'm not much of a host. But you knew that when you came. I can hear muffled voices from the tv. My Cousin Vinny. Perfect. You know where to find me if you need me.

Lyndsay's pillow smells like home.

mono.

I've got infectious mononucleosis and lots of things make sense now. why i've been so tired. shake it off. come on don't be a baby, you're fine. and really i am sometimes. sometimes i just wake up tired and that's all. nothing spectacular. why would i stay in bed because i'm tired? i tend to be tired anyway. and the tonsils swelling? waking me up in the middle of night because i can't breathe? yea. that makes sense too. they crack when i swallow. they are almost touching. but i want to go home this weekend. i feel fine. a little tired. a sore throat. nothing serious. damnit i don't want this now. been sharing juice and water with friends. and who did i get it from? some phone calls need to be made.