they called her easy...

like it was a joke.
and it was.
she asked them to hold her while she fell asleep
and they agreed until she started sobbing quietly.
sometimes shaking a little.
they weren't the type to pull her closer
and let her know she was safe,
even if it was just for a few minutes.
truth be told, they didn't think she deserved
the security.
love isn't free.
but she was.
so they would pull away,
and after the first couple pulled away
she stopped holding on.
let her head fall back on the dirty pillow.
she pulled out small chunks of hair
when she finally fell asleep
and they were gone.
driving their trucks on the interstate.
still laughing at their luck.
she wasn't bad.
just easy.

Sum it up.

Thanksgiving in 2 days
my birthday in 7
and where was I last year?
You don't want to know
but yea I remember
the stairwells
the phone calls
I was waking from
4 years of drowsy dreams
a warm cocoon
you slit me open
and pulled me out
and pulled my hair
the night was cold
but smoke was warm
dashboards were hot
it was almost 6 months
you don't want to know
but yea I remember
sleep in eyes at 3 am.
and heavy boots crunching pavement
1 day until I go home
to wood walls painted red
and mama's cool hands
on my forehead
dad watching football
with gray socked feet crossed
Lyndsay's playing cards
with my friends
she always wins,
it's the name of the game
5 of diamonds, not of clubs
Ace of spades and they quit
Because it's her house
this is her game
and 8 months from now
life changes
air gets hotter
I get freer
keep on writing
eat your heart out
mine stays right here
nine months to birth a child
I remember
mama's cool hands
daddy loves me
times are changing
Thanksgiving is getting closer
and no place like home
has a whole new meaning this year
Count down from 10 if your feeling stressed
before you know it a brand new
year will be here.
Thanksgiving is coming
I'll remember it next year.

he tilted my chin up and looked me dead in the eye.
and then he kissed me until the world fell away
and I was left nowhere.
love dragged me by the hair
and I could only smile.

An Annointed Song

my throat was so dry I couldn't swallow
when you pressed a cold glass
of colder water to my cracked lips
you played solemn songs on the ivory keys of my rib cage
while I drank and drank
the water spilled down my chin and
annointed your head
you coninued to play
sang into the hollow of my navel
the echo was your harmony
and you were my cold water
and there was no storm on the horizon
only golden blades in shoulders
and green waves in fields
this doesn't have a tragic ending
your words were hope
and your fingers belonged
holding my keys
when hot salty tears
mixed with cold fresh water
swallows sang their song
flowers did their blooming
it's hard to imagine an ending not tragic
a dream with no waking
and a touch with good intentions
but cold water spilled
and annointed your your song
blades were not sharp
only fitly set in gold
arms spanned the heavens
and bare feet left the grass
an annointed song
and a final hallelujah

dreams

sheer sheets falling 13 stories and
never hitting the ground
I walk barefoot in my concrete jungle
no backyards
only rooftops
sometimes I call strangers friends
if their hands are strong enough
the soot on my soles makes me dirty
souls are sheets falling 13 stories
never hitting the ground
when wind whips wisps
and rain coats coats
in silver sheets
and slick black oil wells
I imagine birds drowning
when they only wanted dark water
to rest in
I am floating in a white
that the water makes pink
flesh and dark secrets
tell their stories
when the water is cold enough
sheets fall 13 stories
through concrete jungles
lead me to old wooden tables
and down south cooking
bare feet on thick panes
and collard greens to go with
my fried chicken fingers
lick the grease and wipe
my mouth with mama's favorite
kerchief
this soul finds no rest in remaining
throw me from the 13th step
worn to the shape of my running
I will float down past the ceiling
and buildings and rest on
dark waters
secrets meant for keeping
but cold tells the truth

Again.

my words have lost what gentility they once possessed.
they once possessed it because for a moment I believed I was worth it.
Worth love.
Once He whispered in my ear Beloved,
and I shivered and I shook
like a kite in bursts of wind.
I tried to pull out of his arms
but the weight of the world
pressed me back against him
triple gravity.
He told me I was pure.
I sneered.
The ugliest face a lady can make.
He stroked my cheek with the back of his hand.
It didn't give me nothing tickles.
He pulled me close and sighed at the weight
I refused to let go of.
It was nothing to Him
but I feared it was too heavy.
I was too heavy.
Put me down.
Beloved.
He calls me Love and I blush and shake my head.
He tucks loose tendrils behind my ear and smiles sadly.
Let go love.
It hurts.
I know.
I want to cling to Him and not let go.
It's harder than it looks.

Bloody Words

I woke up this morning needing to write. I was frantic almost, in my twin sized bed with the sun shining on my face, gently nudging me awake. Gently nudging me awake but I woke up with a start. Where is the keyboard. A pen. Paper. Need to write. Words gushing out of the wound that is my mouth in crimson squirts and splooshes. So I packed my lips with gauze and felt them run down my throat, into my stomach, back up, searching. For an outlet. I must have holes in my fingers because the words are splooshing out. Making puddles on keyboards and I'm not quite sure what to do about it, other than write. My mouth is dry and it's difficult to breathe will all this gauze. I'll take it out before I leave home. Bind up my fingers and find a stranger to bleed on. I'll call him a friend.

Another Page.

I am spread out on your kitchen table
a few pages torn
but generally an open book otherwise
only promise
not to let m get dusty
I don't fall open for just anyone
and it has been minutes or months
other papers are piling high
and there I was spread open
but you had work to do
fever in your hands
for other loves
I couldn't drag you past the intro
spill your coffee on my pages
if it means you'll run your fingers
over
and dry me off
with the truth.

You

I didn't hear the floorboard groan
your echo is not waiting for me in corridors
forgotten
you never promised to stay
I never told you you should
the dripping from the sink
is constant
you've taken up more time then you are worth
would never hold my hair back
when I was sick
you only want what I want
we only want freedom
and my tendrils
are chains
that I would beat across your back
is there a coming back?
why did I look for you in the first place
Keep your adventures
and I'll keep mine
will try to block out
the sounds of nothing
when it's groaning that I want

ich ich ich

Monsters in my bones.

let me out of this itchy skin
two small lumps don't mean I have a heart
don't look to the shadow between my knees for comfort
there are razors
where my teeth once were

can't keep me still
but don't worry
I tire myself out real fast.
with playing, dancing, gin and boys

the hollow in my clavicle
is a pocket for lips
Venus fly trap
you're dead before you know it

I'm dead before I know it
didn't have a chance
of not choking in my blood
waves of it return

over
over over me
reminding me
a blessing
a curse

a week of weak
razors for teeth
I'll build my armor
with kisses
nonchalance

build up your walls
keep kisses out of
collarbones
everything will be alright

let me out let me out
off to where?
Doesn't matter
swells in sweaters
barely
significant

you stare anyway
eat your heart out
before I do.

Mornings

Would you treat me like a princess
if I didn't leave so early in the morning?
I didn't know I was that girl
until it happened.
I kissed you on the forehead before I slipped out
Did you know?
I did it almost every time.
Once I swear I saw the corner of your mouth curve.
God your lips are pretty.
And I was on fire all those times.
We weren't. Never were.
Once almost.
Never came close.
You never held the door from me.
It was easier for you to protect my heart.
No one else knew how.
I didn't ask you to do that.
Didn't know how to respond.
Why were your words so final?
Because they were best.
Maybe one day I'll thank you...

Wtf?

When I said five I meant at least.
there have been more than I have patience to count.
I don't have patience right now.
Just mono.
Not a patient.
Just Bottom. and could be everyone else.
Why the hell are we supposed to shave our legs again?
I still don't drink enough water.
My pants still don't fit right.
Because I'm gaining weight.
Shit.
That's not romantic.
Are you romantic?
Give me something to work with here.
Is it blasphemous to say goddamnit?
I like the way it sounds.
Is he still sitting home?
I'm not supposed to care.
I do.
Gin.
I didn't want to take them home with me,
why did I ask.
Cause I'm a cunt and a half.
It's late and wine served in plastic cups goes down easy.
Goes down easy.
Summer days.
These ones were hot.
Last year was sticky.
I didn't always want to be this way.
I just wanted to wear my hair in a french twist.

Time

I can still taste the residue of last night.
I took an extra hour from you Time.
I slipped my hands in your back pocket
when we were dancing last night.

Found an extra hour there
Crumpled up like an old receipt.
I figured you didn't need it as much as I do.
you'll get it back eventually
You never let me get away with anything

I may have taken an hour from you
but I know you've taken more from me
I don't talk about it much
I want you to like me
Be good to me Time. Won't you?

Don't make me wrinkle before I'm ready.
I want my skin to stay close to my bones
and not have to wear it as an oversized coat
even in the summer.

It was worth it for the dance though,
wasn't it?
My hand fit
in yours and the stars stood still
when we spun.

I'm worth keeping close Time.
if only for the way our feet
leave the ground when we touch.
You've taken so much from me Time.

But given even more.
I'll be a generous lover if you let me.
Will you let me
Keep this hour for awhile?
Maybe just til Spring?

You might start to miss it then.
And I might let you
slip your hands into my pockets then
to take it.
I might even wink when you do.

Only, let me keep it for now Time.
You've taken plenty from me.
Let me prove I was meant to have it.
I'll do my best not to let you down.