College 101

Step by step. Little by little. I'm sitting in class right now. I'm being productive by blogging. It makes me a little bit sad that I am paying ALOT of money for this education and that productivity in the midst of a class is my ability to blog. Because I am not getting much out of my class right now. Even though I am paying A LOT. Shoot. Now I don't know what I want to blog about. Stream of consiousness here we go have a lot on my mind these days been thinking about the webs that I am tangled in. I feel like God has just finished unravelling me has cut chords that were binding me and like a moth to a lamp I was drawn immediately back in I wonder if that is a problem with my self control my sense of self worth or lack thereof I don't like being tangled although being busy is better than being nothing I'm going to have lunch with Sanj today work on my paper going to meet a spider later they used to bite me in my sleep now I'm wide awake and expect the venom pitiless predators are they sometimes smiling often not even aware of my screams what is this darkness and where is it coming from I have flashes of good moments on bridges coffee shop laughter arm as my life preserver arm as my life preserver I'm in a strange place always rocks hard places I live in those situations and wonder what I would do in a green field sit and cry and wonder where the cliffs were bit by bit I am unraveling your back talk secret speech you love surprising me no you don't you just can't make up your mind either well that makes two of us that makes two of us no it doesn't because nothing could make two of us and I still have the heaviness of the stage in my mouth still have questions and nightmares because it was the first time in a long time that I've let myself so completely fall into darkness and that place was close to home it wasn't so far and the blood stung my nose and the invocations were not that much different than my prayers but I could never follow through there is something that holds me that keeps there from being two of us and I look in awe on the words of truth and the power that they have and wonder why do I run from them into the darkness that I fell so deeply into and am climbing out slowly molasses and my lungs are filled with liquid that lets movement slowly and is he still teaching my mind is on lunch on chords that bind me and I'm ready to tell Delilah my secret just get it over with pluck out my eyes but no there is something much stronger that holds me reminds me and that is my thought stream right now and class is over